Confusion. My heart is filled with sorrow, sadness, same difference. My mind is full of thoughts; thoughts that barely have solutions; solutions that barely have conclusions and all I can do is sit here waiting for the deejay to play a song that I can drink my beer to. The appealing waitress keeps coming over to my table, maybe she expects me to borrow her number or is it a tip she wants? Whichever it is, am less concerned. A pen in my hand and a notepad next to my bottle. So mother, here is my oracular answer.
To some, love for the opposite or same-sex is an emotion, a feeling, a verb, a source of happiness, to me, love is a no go zone. Every time I come visit, you ask the same query, “My son, when are you getting married?” And every time the response is similar, “Soon mama, soon.” But this time, let me be honest. Maybe by the end of this you will be singing ‘Now you know’ by Nyashinski or rather, your own remix entitled ‘Now I know.’
Have you forgotten? So many times I watched you shed tears because of him. Time and time again he raised his hand to hit you. The house went from a home to a madhouse. Once or twice in a week I listened to you making the same threat, “Am leaving” Maybe it wasn’t an empty threat because you at times left. But you always came back, not to take your kids and leave, but to stay. Always. You could tell by the lipstick stains on his shirt and the different scents of cologne that he was cheating on you. But again, you never left. Never. Many are times I have wanted to ask why but the words always seem to escape me. Is it that it was cumbersome? Was it love for him?
I know you expect me to have outgrown the pain but the sight of tears dripping from your eyes never vanishes from my mind. And did I tell you that the greatest message I got from my Philosophy class is that, to be highly reasonable you have to forego emotion and appetite? So here is my note to you, I can’t get married, not because am homosexual but because I don’t trust myself enough. For as the saying goes, “Like father like son.” It’s not that I can’t love but I can’t get myself to overcome the fear of treating a woman the way you were treated.
I’ll never get a woman who will love me, motivate me, listen to me and treat me like you do. So mama, let it go. I did my all to avoid getting a girl pregnant. Did my best to be your best friend and confider at an early age. But most of all, did my best to become successful, to give you the life you always dreamed of and to hear you say, “You have made me proud.” I wrote this in my notebook because am certain that the next time I come home you will secretly read my notebook and assume I haven’t noticed, but I always do and I always will. So mama,I will always be your little boy but am never putting a ring on anyone's finger.